When a therapist describes a couples attachment style, they are referring to the way a couple supports, loves and disagrees with one another. There are three different attachment styles that are most often cited. The first is secure, which refers to a feeling of safety when conversations become difficult. The couple is able to disagree and express thoughts, emotions and feelings while,still feeling securely attached to one another. This securely attached couple does not do for days without talking. They can argue and repair the relationship quickly. The second attachment style is ambivalent. This Insecurely attached couple become anxious if one or the other is not in agreement. They may attack or criticize each other, or withdraw when the topic feels unsafe. They lack the ability to differentiate while still allowing room for the other to express thoughts, feelings and desires. This relationship is often controlling and blaming of the other. Finally, disorganized attached couples are often abusive and needy. They confuse themselves and each other. Love and security is desired by these couples, but those desires represent lack of emotional safety. These couples will fight when it feels the relationship is going really well
Most couples have a bit of each of the three attachment styles. Of course, Ideally the secure attachment style is the desired goal. The good news is that attachment can change over time and even insecurely attached couples or disorganized couples can improve their relationships.