When we lose a loved one, we often feel like a part of us has been taken. Physically one can feel, heavy, sad, tired, desperate and a myriad of additional feelings. Everyone grieves at a different pace on their own schedule. Sometimes friends provide solace and sometimes friends are not helpful. If you find that you need a safe place to grieve as long as needed, therapy may be the answer. Contact me at 818.200.9513
Best Wishes,
Jeannette York
One of the subjects that come up most often in couples counseling is mistrust. One partner has cheated either emotionally or physically and the other partner just isn’t sure if they can forgive and trust again. Without trust, there is not a healthy relationship.
The first conversation that needs to take place is for each of the partners to be able to describe to the other the impact of what happened on themselves and to describe to the other what they understand about the impact on their partner. There will be questions that the partner who was cheated on will feel compelled to ask. There is no way around the longing to know what the cheating involved. It is a tight rope that is best handled in therapy so that safely the couple can understand without shaming the partner who cheated.
Healing takes time and patience. There will be set backs but don’t be discouraged. You can each grow and heal from what happened.
Jeannette York, LMFT
4405 Riverside Drive/105, Burbank, Ca
818.200.9513
* Make it emotionally safe to bring up difficult subjects.
* Don’t use affection, sex and loving behavior to reward or punish
*Dare to expose your imperfections and fears. This is especially difficult since it conflicts with the need for safety.
*Consider your partner’s desire for greater distance or closeness as expressing a need for comfort-not a personal rejection.
*Listen to each other with openness and curiosity.
* Remember you are on the same team!
The term “gaslight effect” comes from the a 1944 film starring Ingrid Bergman. In the film, Bergman’s character is made to feel that she is going crazy by her husband. He does this by creating situations in which Bergman begins to doubt her own ability to recognize what is real and what is not.
Today the term refers to psychological and emotional abuse inflicted on one partner by another partner. If you are in a relationship in which you feel that you constantly need to prove yourself or your feelings are invalidated then it may be that you are being gaslighted. Gaslighted can be hard to pinpoint because the attacker is hiding behind a mask of good will or “being right”. Some traits to look for in this type of unhealthy relationship are a partner who often says to you that you are “too sensitive”, right after he insults you or calls you a name or puts you down in front of others. Other traits are when you know something is right and the person you are with insist that you are wrong, causing you to doubt yourself and your own truth.
Eventually this type of relationship will cause the victim to experience a loss of joy in life. They become so focused on making their partner see that they really are smart, caring, good people or whatever traits are being attacked that their ability to enjoy life vanishes.
There are some tools to help the partner who makes the decision that they want to stay in the relationship. It is not easy and requires the ability to learn to speak up for oneself in healthy ways and to not engage in trying to win an argument. Gaslighters have more experience and skill at “winning” than their victims.
*Learn to “agree to disagree” even if you gaslighter partner wants to continue the argument.
* Learn to practice not responding to every insult or veiled criticism that your gaslighter partner says to you.
*Let your partner know what your boundaries are, and when they cross the line. A good time to have a discussion about boundaries is before an argument.
* Guard against constantly seeking your partner’s approval or begging them for reassurance. Sometimes they will not approve. Practice the emotional muscle it takes to not constantly seek approval.
More than half the couples that I see in therapy are living together without being married. Often they describe it as a step toward getting married. There are other reasons that couples choose to live together such as convenience, share expenses, fear of divorce or do not believe in marriage.
Studies show that couples who live together have a greater chance of becoming divorced during the first five years of marriage. If they live together in the place of marriage, there is an even greater chance that they will breakup within the five year mark.
The reason for this are many, but in general, it seems that living together, often keeps the relationship in the status of “testing it out”. In place of commitment there is the ability to simply walk away when things become difficult.
As a therapist and a clinician, I am not opposed to couple’s living together. However I do recommend that they discuss what each of their definitions are of the status of their relationship. Does one of you feel that you are on the way to engagement and marriage while the other is simply living together? A healthy discussion about where you would like to see the relationship in 6 months time or 1 year will help each of you to understand the other’s expectations.
Jeannette York, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Burbank, California
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