Families | Couples Counselor Los Angeles

When families come into my office, there are often feelings of suspicion, hurt, betrayal and other painful feelings that they bring in with them. In addition there are topics that each member knows will be discussed that have not been talked about out in the open before. It takes courage for a family to come to therapy and to be willing to face one another and discuss topics that may hurt or initially feel embarrassing.

The first question that I each family member is “If the sessions go well and they feel that therapy was a good use of their time, what is different for them?” Often people will say “I won’t feel ……….”. I encourage them to imagine what they will feel. It is important to know what each of them is longing to be different. I am also curious about the incident that finally brought everyone into therapy? In addition I asked who is an ally and which family member does each family member feel the most vulnerable around? How does this impact what happens at home? Families are the lens with which we learn to operate out in the world. Our original defenses and vulnerabilities are usually developed and first expressed within the context of the family. These same vulnerabilities and defenses can also be healed and transformed in the context of family therapy.

A wise person once said that no matter how tempting, we can’t give up on our families. No matter where we go or how far away, we carry them around inside.

Jeannette York, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Burbank, California

The description of a person as borderline gets thrown around quite often these days. Most likely to describe another person in derogatory terms. But what does the term borderline really mean? A person with borderline personality shows marked traits of emotional dysregulation and impulsivity. Sufferers swing from seemingly content, peaceful states to anger, feelings of betrayal and back to happiness often in a very short time. The feelings seemed to be triggered by events that are not real or not in proportionate to the reaction.

For example, you and your partner schedule a lunch date. You are about 5 minutes late and when you arrive your partner is accusing you of not loving them, of plotting to leave them or of having an affair and that must be why you are late. For your partner, these are very real accusations and for you, they feel outlandish and unfair. Your partner has not learned to emotionally regulate and they may often have a sense of emptiness. Your experience may be that you often feel unjustly accused or that no matter what happens between the two of you, your partner never feels safe and loved enough. This is often an exhausting relationship.

The fear of abandonment often drives the borderline partner to constantly seek approval. They may also call several times during the day, even at inappropriate times to seek reassurance that you love them.

There is treatment for borderlines. It can be managed and as the loving partner you can be part of the treatment. Seek out a therapist that specializes in borderline personalities, preferably someone who uses DBT ( Dialectical Behavior Therapy). Encourage your partner to seek help and let them know that you support and love them. Therapy for Borderline personality disorder can be very effective, but the first step is to start treatment.

Jeannette York, LMFT

http://couplescounselorlosangeles.com

Couples Counselor Los Angeles

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